5 days manentes

I'm in a weird mood today. Kinda nostalgic, kinda happy, kinda sad, kinda introspective. I'm missing some friends who are in Croatia which is causing me to analyze where my life is and where it could have gone. Not so much a bad thing, but causing some deep thought-processes. Where would I be if I hadn't met Alli, where would I be if I'd allowed myself to fall into the darkness that surrounded me two years ago, where would I be if I'd decided to chase certain dreams at certain times in my life, where would I be if I'd been honest with my feelings about certain people in 1996. Some of the answers I came up with were scary and some of them were melancholy. At some point I'd like my brain to just shut up and let me live in the moment, but I don't see that happening any time soon.

One thing I can say, the AT did a number on me and caused me to mature like I never expected. Before I left, the AT was (for lack of a better phrase) an escape from being mature and responsible and a run towards being wholly selfish. But in the course of two weeks on the trail I found myself wanting to be the kind of guy I despised in other people my age. What in the world?! Who was this guy who was craving the working-man's lifestyle? Who was this guy who wanted nothing else but to be a humdrum nine to fiver who worked only to bring home a paycheck to his family? And what was going to happen when this new man locked horns with the guy in the same body who refused to grow up?

I am so very happy right now. That I know. As I gaze on the x-mas tree that found its way into my cramped VW from Ohio to North Carolina, I smile. Alli loves this holiday so much, and it makes me to happy to share that with her. So I guess I'll just enjoy that for right now. How's that for, "in the moment"?